Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Impossible Things That Happen In Movies All The Time

You know cartoon physics? That’s when impossible things happen in cartoons cuz it’s funnier that way, like a character grabs the string to a single helium balloon and flies away or is perfectly fine after falling off a cliff or getting hit in the head with an anvil.

Well, there’s such a thing in movies too. There are certain stereotypical things that happen in movies all the time that never happen in real life …

People are always able to grab onto something as they fall, like a ledge.

They can then hang from said ledge forever by their fingertips.

And then, they can pull themselves up. Are you kidding? 99% of all Americans, me included, couldn’t do a single pull-up if their lives depended on it.

No one in movies can hit the broad side of a barn with a gun. A huge gun fight, dozens of people firing every which way, and no one gets hit, which is good since …

People in movies hide behind car doors from bullets. That doesn’t work in real life.

People constantly knock each other out cold in movies … and then the knocked-out person gets up and is fine.

When someone gets shot or stabbed, they keel over immediately, dead, OR they have time to give a long, eloquent speech before dying gracefully. No unsightly blood, shit or cries of agony.

Wonderful sex in shower or tub, often surrounded by hundreds of candles. (Who lit those?)

People have sex in movies with the blankets over their heads.

Also, they fall out of bed – and keep going.

No talk of contraception, ever.

Normal people live in spacious apartments in Manhattan. No.

Just as he’s about to kill someone and get away, the bad guy stops to explain and gets caught.

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