I Do Not Like Hats

Courtesy of imagerymajestic
at freedigitalphotos.net

Apparently, today was Stupid Hat Day and no one told me.

I saw, not one, but two ladies today wearing the same bizarre style of sun hat. They looked like cheap bridesmaids hats, circa 1970, made to look like lace but out of a stiff plastic, and they were tightly tied under each lady’s chin with a big bow.

Then, a few minutes later, I saw a grown man wearing what looked like a baby’s floppy white sun hat, also tied tightly under his chin.

Honestly, if I had a medical condition that required me to wear such a hat to go out into the sun, I’d turn vampire and only go out at night.

Hats, in my opinion, are generally a bad idea.

OK, there are some exceptions. As a New England girl, I am familiar with winter days when the temperature is 0 but the weatherperson chirpily tells you, “With the wind chill, it feels like negative 20.” On those days, yes, I’d give my right hand for a hat.

I particularly don’t like trucker hats, which, because of their high crowns and stiff, oversized brims, are cheaper- and dopier-looking than baseball caps. Wear a trucker hat and your IQ drops 10 points, 20 if you wear it sideways.

But the worst hat of all is the visor. I see the appeal: it gets your hair off your face and out of your eyes. But really, do you not care what it looks like at all? I particularly hate how it bunches up people’s hair like some kind of mushroom on the backs of their heads.

My family is under strict orders to shoot me dead if I ever start wearing a visor.

There’s no danger of that, though.